Another week has gone by ! Caleb and I are still in the small pueblo of Mijas, Spain. 

The same cobblestone streets, uneven beneath our feet as we fight for rest and restoration. It’s strange to be back in a place that holds so much of us – it’s where we met ourselves and came home to ourselves – where our identity and potential was revealed and released. It’s where we met each other and found out what it was to pursue marriage in a Godly way. 

It’s where we found Love as we uncovered the simplicity and beautiful intricacy of all we are.

Being back feels like no time has passed and yet, everything is different. I wish I could explain it, articulate it to weave understanding for everyone – but it seems words escape me. We came here to fill up in preparation for our hopeful long term place of service.

It’s been hard. It’s been good – but really hard. We’ve come face to face with ourselves once again and I’m realizing how far I’d regressed. In the US, I make excuses to not be true to myself – oh, when I have community who believe the same thing, it will be better. We’ve been in a period of waiting – always moving toward the ultimate goal of NOT moving. 

But in times of waiting, instead of pressing in, I chose complacency. Complacency in relationship, in marriage, in exercise, in cooking, in quiet time, in self-care. Slowly but surely, I sacrificed myself to selfishness. 

It doesn’t make sense, yet it has been my reality. I’ve been critical of myself and my husband, I’ve held patience and grace close, as if they could ever run out. I’ve let anxiety and depression surround me like a dark cloud and I’ve been LAZY enough to believe darkness and dampness can be tolerated.

The pueblo is dripping with the tangible presence of Holy Spirit – it cannot be escaped or ignored. And so here I stand, face to face with the image of Christ inside of me, veiled by my tired and sagging flesh. My spirit aches and cries to be freed once more and my heart is tired from beating so fiercely against the cage I created to contain it.

Looking myself in the mirror has been hard because of what I see – and I’ve let lies shame me from being able to meet my own eye. I know I haven’t been diligent in the practices that bring me life and bring life to my marriage – and instead of saying “HELL NO,” I’ve kept my head down and pretended I could live under my own radar. 

But in the pueblo, my shout has risen again. I remember what it is to be free, I remember my why and my more. I’ve always remembered that I’m not satisfied with “good enough” – but to fight for it is an altogether different battle. 

This is me pouring out my heart – crying for my sisters and brothers to band with me in my shout of HELL NO that makes the whole earth quake. My HELL NO makes the enemy tremble as he realizes his fog has been blown away by the breath of God that lives within me. 

HELL NO to the lies spinning cages around our hearts, minds and spirits.

HELL NO to manipulation, apathy, selfishness invading relationship.

HELL NO to any one or any thing that thinks they can come between me and my husband.

HELL NO to any one or any thing that thinks generational curses don’t stop here.

HELL NO to anything less than goodness, love, mercy and truth.

Heaven YES to love, legacy and walking in the fullness of who we are. Heaven YES to a bright future, a fortified marriage and never-ending adventure. Heaven YES to believing I am beautiful, wonderful and born to be loved.

My prayer is that today you love yourself, exactly how and where you are. That you are gentle in loving yourself back to home within yourself.

This is my reminder to you – and to me – that Christ STILL lives within us, happily. No regret, no condition, no plan B. 

My sweet humans – don’t forget your HELL NO. Don’t forget the power you hold in your lungs to shout yourself free.